I have been living my life with my own brand of sorrow.
The year began with an abrupt awakening of the senses, a violent exposure of a vulnerable self. In one swift stroke (or one brief meeting, whichever is more appropriate), I became bare. Despite the pain, I embraced my nakedness. I persevered through the hazy and confusing rules of engagement in pursuit of an end that I knew to be uncertain. I did not succeed in meeting this end.
Several heartaches later, I find myself alone, all set up against a backdrop of a rainy evening and a soundtrack telling me that “good things come to those who wait.”
To all of you: you have hurt me, but I have moved on.
The price of detachment is one of conscious isolation, but the rewards can be enticing: no waiting, no sorrow, no fairy tale expectations. This is what I did last year, to much favorable result: 2009 turned out to be one of the best years in recent memory. I sailed through the year armed with a carefree attitude, a body that was 20 lbs lighter than when the year started, and a career that was well on its way to peaking.
A wave of a hand and the career nosedives into a place of insecurity and unhappiness. A snap of a finger and the pounds come rolling in. A blink of an eye and the confidence vanishes into thin air.
How easy it is to lose what one just had.
I am Kerwin Ray Sentillas, and I reappear six months later, broken and torn. But I am not gone. I have not given up. Although I am only the shadow of the king I once was, I will pick myself up, piece by piece, until I am whole again.
This is me, picking up that first piece. Watch me.
I’m glad you found the strength to pick up the pieces. and can i just say, the new template is really nice.
welcome back! maybe you should keep writing about it. makes me feel better when i’m feeling down. as long as you’ll write it, your readers are here to read it. :)
Thanks for the kind words, Citybuoy. :) I’m doing my best.
[...] with a whimper. The promise of a spectacle vanished as careerism and emotional turmoil took over. It wasn’t an easy year to deal with– I got burned in more ways than one– and this could not be more apparent than the empty [...]
wing, emote ka lagi, hehehe… hope you’re doing great na ngayon. emote rin ako actually a couple of months ago. kaya it was easy for me to decide to get overpriced plane tickets for singapore just a week ahead (although dave and i kinda talked about it naman beforehand) kasi i was in a self-pity phase. hindi lang halata sa facebook posts mashado ;)
i just reminded myself na this too shall pass, kasi either i will do something to put it behind me or the universe will conspire naman to make me move on since kelangan ko talaga for the sake of my well-being, kasi it also affects the people around me, naks. hehe yun lang. happy new year! =)
The second half of the year actually went very well, Jus. :) Mostly. Pero it’s been a difficult year, one of the most difficult in recent memory. Career can be such a bitch! :P
that’s interesting. my bout with self-pity was also actually career-related. may nagbago naman since then, so we’ll see if it’s heading towards the right direction na =)
i still don’t know what i want to be when i grow up. i just know i want to be in the tech industry and/or do something engineering-related when i grow up, so i think i’m on the right track naman…
which reminds me, i saw your recent tweet. i think i over-use the ellipsis, hahaha! for me it indicates parang trailing off into silence after speaking, pero i will try to use it less kasi na-conscious ako =P
From wikipedia: An ellipsis can also be used to indicate a pause in speech, an unfinished thought, or, at the end of a sentence, a trailing off into silence (aposiopesis) (apostrophe and ellipsis mixed).
anyway, sana our careers will be good to us sa 2011 and the years to come! ingat =)