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Feb 07 2012
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A Helping of Cheese, Happy Happy Joy Joy

Jeland (I) – At 20

The kindest gesture anyone has shown me involved a bag of chips, a loaf of bread, and a carton of chocolate milk. (Forgive me if I’ve blogged about this before– in any case, it bears repeating.)

Ateneo, 2002. Just like any other college student living away from home and living on his parents’ allowance, I was on a very strict (i.e., forced) diet. More often than not, I find myself prematurely spending all my allowance before the week ended (that extra order of egg from Tapa King and that seemingly cheap Jollibee sundae cone could really spell the difference). No problemo. There’s a reason why God created pancit canton, and there’s a reason why the most popular brand is called “Lucky Me.”

That particular week in June, however, not even those heaven-sent greasy noodles could save me from hunger. I was utterly and despicably broke. But while it was a sad situation to be in, it wasn’t entirely alien. I could always skip a few meals and sleep the hours off.

Enter Jeland Omer Lorenzo Pormentilla, 4th year student of Legal Management in the Ateneo, who at that time was virtually a stranger hanging out with people far removed from his generation.

He asked me about my lunch plans. Small talk, definitely.

“Pass. I’m skipping lunch,” I said.

“Why?! Tara, let’s eat!” Jeland countered. Years later, he’ll still be countering me.

“Walang pera e,” I told him. I was perhaps being too open about my poverty, but what the hell– we’re both college students anyway, and I wasn’t really expecting anything.

“WHAAAAAT?!?” The reaction was surprised; the reaction was surprising.

I don’t remember how I reacted or what happened immediately after, but when he returned, he came bearing gifts: a bag of V-Cut, a loaf of Gardenia, and a carton of Moby Chocolate Drink. All for me. He explained that it was so weird knowing one of his friends wasn’t eating because he or she didn’t have any money. He himself have not skipped a meal despite a meager weekly allowance.

I was stunned by this gesture of kindness, and the knee-jerk reaction from which it emanated. At that moment, my life stood still, took an indelible snapshot that etched itself in my mind and in my heart, then began careering toward a future I was not able to foresee.

Oct 24 2011
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A Helping of Cheese, Happy Happy Joy Joy, Stripped

Protected: A Declaration

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Feb 25 2010
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A Helping of Cheese, When Tears Flow Freely

Send Me All Your Angels Tonight

The world does not halt for me. It is unfeeling, it is cold. It does not recognize my loneliness as a matter of importance. It will continue to turn and turn and turn. It will not send me help in any way, in any form. I am alone in this, because the world does not care.

What am I gonna do tonight
When I’m one step closer to the other side
It’s easy to pretend
Trying hard not to fade away
But the world’s got me feeling so out of place
How will all this end?
It’s so hard to say

I have been exposed to my loneliness after a chance at love has been given and then snatched away. In the past, I steeled myself against the very existence of this loneliness, and have actually been successful. But all the barriers, the shields, the jadedness and cynicism I put up in the past year were destroyed, just like that, with a chance meeting and a false perspective that you were the one. Vulnerable, I am now facing the demons I thought I have already banished from my life.

Everyday, gotta face the fact that
I’m trying to reach the demons on my back
And I’m hoping to hold on
Don’t wanna make friends tonight
With the faces, with the faces
Not this time
When will all this end?
Just give me a sign

In just one flash, all the repressed yearnings resurfaced, all the pent-up fairy tale fantasies restored. I now once again long for that text message that would make me smile to myself and make other people wonder what in hell is wrong with me; I now once again long for that funny feeling in my stomach one feels when going on a first date; I now once again long for the comfort in having someone to hug, to kiss, to caress.

I now once again long for salvation. I now once again long for love.

Send me all your angels tonight
I’m barely hanging on the edge of lonely
Trying to turn this all around before I
Hit the ground and end up face down
Send me all your angels, now
Dec 30 2009
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A Helping of Cheese, Beyond Humanoids

Three Guys

While riding the tricycle this evening, holding a drum of cooked rice in my lap and praying that the rain wouldn’t pelt me any harder that it already had, I found myself linking some things in my head and coming across an epiphany: I’m one lucky sonafabitch. The year hasn’t ended yet, and my year-end entries are still being concocted inside my little brain, but I think I’ve found a suitable kick-off point, and more important, a suitable kick-off attitude.

...I think I've found a suitable kick-off point, and more important, a suitable kick-off attitude.

The attitude? Gratitude. The point? These three awesome guys.

The first guy’s one of the nicest people I know. He puts others before himself, almost all the time. He drives people to their homes just to make sure that they get there safe and sound; he lends his house again and again despite the many logistical nightmares this inevitable causes; and he’s probably the only guy I know who would buy plane tickets for his friends so that they’d all be able to meet together for a very important reunion. If there’s a picture demonstrating “selflessness” in the dictionary, this guy’s photo would be there, all glossed up and ready to go.

The second guy’s one of the most intelligent people I know. Trust me, it’s no easy feat being one of the top 20 highest scorers in the Ateneo entrance exam and one of the top 50 highest scorers in the UP entrance exam at the same time. And while he pursued the questionable path of entering UP (I kid, I kid), he rose above all others to graduate summa cum laude– one of only ten in his batch. Add to this a strong sense of self and an even stronger sense of fashion, it’s no wonder this wonder kid is going places. Literally.

The third guy’s one of the most loving people I know. He will adapt to your every quirk, he will adopt your every hobby. He will weave a world where the two of you are stars. When he gives, he gives; when he bares his soul, he bares it in its entirety. He leaves nothing to himself, sometimes to a fault. Between questions of mas mahal ko or mas mahal ako, he’ll always reply mas mahal ko. Not because he necessarily prefers it, but because it always happens to be true. While there’s almost always hurt, there’s almost always happiness. For a person who loves as much as he does? It has to go both ways.

These three guys, with that common thread running through them, have made 2009 an extremely good one for me to bear. Let me take this time to reiterate what I’ve said in the beginning: I’m one lucky sonofabitch. And I have you guys to thank.

There’s an advice in here somewhere, commonly given to some people after a bad break-up. My own counter-advice: don’t do it. Friendship is not a “lousy” alternative; it’s a pretty much good choice all on its own. I’m sure you smart people know what I’m talking about.

Dec 28 2009
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A Helping of Cheese

Seventeen Again?

When I was seventeen, something magical happened to me. I fell in love. And it wasn’t just any ordinary type of love—I fell in love with my One Great Love1.

It’s a cliché, but it must be said: it happened unexpectedly. I was in college back then, and all that I could think of was to shine academically, and perhaps expand my social circles with a few more friends or so. My love life, alien as the concept was, did not occur to me as a clear and present need. I was moving through life through ways that did not require companionship, and I was floating along at a pace that did not require someone to keep my speed in check.

...we don't really need heroes or saviors.

But then that One Great Love came along through a flurry of whispers and silences and glances and smiles. Needless to say, I got caught in the windstorm.

Lest you get any strange ideas, this entry does not serve to reminisce about that One Great Love. As Stephen King’s favourite gunslinger would put it, the world has moved on, and so have we. This entry just serves as a reminder that perhaps being actively on the lookout for the Next Great Love is an exercise in futility; that perhaps the best thing to do during these times of aloneness is to do what I have already excelled in doing before. Just float along.

Besides, my expectations have changed with the times. The fairy tale existence I once lived was brought about in part by the environment in which it was set, and in part by the state of mind I was in. I cannot pretend to be that innocent sophomore any longer. I have been tarnished with experiences of lust and pain and hurt and sorrow, and I can no longer go back to the way things were. I think I have already crossed that line a long time ago. But with any change in expectations, there’s always the realization that I have to deal with it in order to survive. Human beings are resilient that way, and I am no exception.

I may no longer meet my royalty in the same magical and majestic manner I have before, but being human should suffice. The world can be a grim and lonely place to be in; as we make our way through the darkness, we don’t really need heroes or saviors. We just want to stumble into someone who’s willing to take our hand and traverse the path together.

That’s all I’m looking for. That’s all I really need.

  1. Go over that last paragraph. Four instances of the word “love” in one sitting. Writers will probably pummel me with their literary gavels. ↩