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Feb 07 2012
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A Helping of Cheese, Happy Happy Joy Joy

Jeland (I) – At 20

The kindest gesture anyone has shown me involved a bag of chips, a loaf of bread, and a carton of chocolate milk. (Forgive me if I’ve blogged about this before– in any case, it bears repeating.)

Ateneo, 2002. Just like any other college student living away from home and living on his parents’ allowance, I was on a very strict (i.e., forced) diet. More often than not, I find myself prematurely spending all my allowance before the week ended (that extra order of egg from Tapa King and that seemingly cheap Jollibee sundae cone could really spell the difference). No problemo. There’s a reason why God created pancit canton, and there’s a reason why the most popular brand is called “Lucky Me.”

That particular week in June, however, not even those heaven-sent greasy noodles could save me from hunger. I was utterly and despicably broke. But while it was a sad situation to be in, it wasn’t entirely alien. I could always skip a few meals and sleep the hours off.

Enter Jeland Omer Lorenzo Pormentilla, 4th year student of Legal Management in the Ateneo, who at that time was virtually a stranger hanging out with people far removed from his generation.

He asked me about my lunch plans. Small talk, definitely.

“Pass. I’m skipping lunch,” I said.

“Why?! Tara, let’s eat!” Jeland countered. Years later, he’ll still be countering me.

“Walang pera e,” I told him. I was perhaps being too open about my poverty, but what the hell– we’re both college students anyway, and I wasn’t really expecting anything.

“WHAAAAAT?!?” The reaction was surprised; the reaction was surprising.

I don’t remember how I reacted or what happened immediately after, but when he returned, he came bearing gifts: a bag of V-Cut, a loaf of Gardenia, and a carton of Moby Chocolate Drink. All for me. He explained that it was so weird knowing one of his friends wasn’t eating because he or she didn’t have any money. He himself have not skipped a meal despite a meager weekly allowance.

I was stunned by this gesture of kindness, and the knee-jerk reaction from which it emanated. At that moment, my life stood still, took an indelible snapshot that etched itself in my mind and in my heart, then began careering toward a future I was not able to foresee.

Oct 24 2011
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A Helping of Cheese, Happy Happy Joy Joy, Stripped

Protected: A Declaration

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Jul 05 2011
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Happy Happy Joy Joy

Reset

This house has seen several changes since Papa bought it in 1993, but none more so than the people living in it.

I resigned from my previous company after two years of loyal service. Instead of jumping on to the next, like I’m wont to do, I decided it was about time for me to take a long break, with “long” defined as “longer than a typical weekend.” A few days of reprieve is already a blessing; a fortnight, a miracle. And when it comes to rejuvenation, there’s only one place to do it: home.

This is the first time in five years that I’ve stepped foot in Davao on a non-December. My life has been pretty much fast-paced since I started working, with little time to look behind. It was grind, grind, grind all the way through, a flurry of overtimes and meetings and papers and exams, and on weekends, a whirlwind of dates and romances and parties and alcohol. Call it QLC, call it the Murtaugh syndrome,  or call it discernment, but it all boils down to this: It’s about time to put the brakes to this speeding bus, and five years seem like a good time to do it.

Davao is the perfect place to reset my life. The weather may have caused all sorts of devastation lately, but somehow, there’s always the sunshine to look forward to. Traffic’s light, taxi drivers give you the exact change and will never deny you a ride, and the food is simply second to none. All the right ingredients. All the good vibes I need.

For there is plenty to reset. I realized that I have lost discipline. I’ve let myself go, gaining back the pounds I lost in 2009, and then some. I lost my will to study, even with the knowledge that I’m only one exam before fellowship. I lost my desire to excel in work, replaced by a constant fear of failing. I lost my drive to write, with plenty of excuses justifying the loss of enthusiasm for what was once a joyful endeavor. Six years of working have finally taken its toll on me, blunting me, dulling me, making me lose my edge. This is the time for sharpening my knives again. No excuses.

The goals are as follows:

1 | Bring down my weight from 152 lbs to 135 lbs before my Thailand/Cambodia trip, and lose 10 of those 17 lbs here in Davao. Alternate between working out in the gym and jogging uphill. Avoid junk foods and soft drinks. Resist the temptation of eating more when 80% full

2 | Complete a first thorough reading of the Investments book (with highlights and notes in the margins) before going back to Manila. Crystallize the information in memory.

3 | Blog, blog, blog. Post pictures. TAKE pictures.

4 | Visit friends who are in Davao.

5 | Commit to a sound financial plan that involves earmarking money for important expenses (condo/rent), THEN savings, and finally the remaining cash for other expenses.

6 | Come to work early (before 9 AM, preferably). Leave early (before 630 PM, preferably).

7 | Most important of all, maintain balance. Play the PS3, complete the missions. But on other days, go out and read a book in a coffee shop. Watch a movie with friends, and different sets at that. Be with that special someone. Food-hop. Mall-hop. Watch a concert, a musical, the Cirque de Soleil. Travel locally. Travel internationally. Learn how to play tennis.

I have a few weeks to make the most awesome wave here, so that I can surf my way through another section in my life.

It’s morphin’ time.

Nov 24 2010
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Happy Happy Joy Joy, Journal, Stripped

The First Time

Here I am, seated comfortably in an airplane headed to a foreign land, and it is late at night. Rows of thin clouds are scattered across the sky outside, and to me they look like velvet– soft to the touch, exquisite to the core. Stars dot the horizon almost recklessly, and against the dark skyline they look like lost diamonds. Inviting. Enticing. For the first time in a long time, I am in awe.

Inside, the in-flight movie is about to end. The Young Girl has just stepped out of her house to meet the Young Boy in her yard, that boy who’s currently toiling under the sweltering heat to plant a simple but significant sycamore seedling, that very same boy whom she wished out of her life almost as fervently as she wanted him in. As they stare at each other across the lawn, she is reminded of how dazzling his eyes are; he, how gorgeous her hair looks. As their hands touch together in the soil beneath the sycamore and the credits start to come up, I find myself smiling. For the first time in a long time, I find myself feeling a strange warmth in my chest. Strange, but deeply comforting. Weird, but deeply relaxing.

For all the pains and confusion and heartbreaks I’ve experienced this year, what with the career crossroads and the exam blues and the failed attempts in searching for The One, I never thought that I’ll be able to relish such a rare moment of peace. In this gap and in this silence, I find myself appreciating the fact that things have turned around for the most part. Where once there was an option, there is now a resolution; where once there was doubt, there is now an absolution. For the first time in a long time, I can truly say that I am happy.

And now, as I listen to instrumental Christmas songs that remind me of family, of home, and of an innocent kind of joy, I rummage through my bag to look for a pen and a sheet of paper.

From the tip of my pen comes truth. From the tip of my pen comes beauty. From the tip of my pen comes, well, love.

For the first time in a long time, this feels like the first time.

Feb 28 2010
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Happy Happy Joy Joy, Stripped, When Tears Flow Freely

Before February Ends

The moon is full tonight. I stare at it from the rooftop of our boarding house– my first visit this year. I have forgotten how beautiful the skyline is from this vantage point. I have forgotten how enchanting the moonlight appears as it drapes the earth with its ethereal glow. I have forgotten how comforting the night wind feels three stories from the ground.

Like everything else, I have forgotten. But now I am remembering. And remembering well.

Rewind to Friday night, and the cast of Rent the Musical had taken their final bows. My roommate was inviting me for some bonding session with friends at Boni High, but I declined; it’s been weeks since I’ve been with my brother, and it was time for some much-needed catch-up banter. But like everything else, I have forgotten that my brother is no longer single. He wouldn’t be spending the weekend with me: the girlfriend awaits.

At that point, the biggest shard of loneliness in this entire mess of a month struck my fragile little heart. Mad (as in Johnny Depp crazy, not Jack Nicholson angry), I sought for an escape. Looking at the Twitter status of my close friend showed me the solution: a spontaneous trip to Anywhere, Anytime. Frantic, seeking flight from a flurry of profound frustration, I scoured through the airline websites, typing in random destinations with reckless abandon. Unfortunately, they didn’t allow online bookings for flights that leave within 24 hours. So I did as any rational person would do: I called up the airlines.

I inquired about the earliest flight to Hong Kong. Rationalization: two of my closest officemates were there, and I definitely could find some excitement with their company. I also inquired about the earliest flight to Davao. Rationalization: I could surprise my parents with the sudden appearance, and could celebrate my brother’s 30th birthday with them.

The universe had other plans. The costs of going to Hong Kong this late were prohibitive, and the Davao plan would earn me more rebukes than resolutions. There was only one way left to escape.

Sleep.

That was probably the best decision I had that entire day. I woke up the day after feeling refreshed. And, as though the universe thought it was enough torture for me, I got four different invitations to hang out that night. I had prior plans though, so I had to decline them all eventually. I spent the entire night instead with my awesome girlfriend, and while Miss You Like Crazy was no One More Chance, it provided the release that I needed. Not to mention of course the wellspring of jokes that my girlfriend and I shared over Thai dinner and frozen yogurt at Lullubelle’s.

When she drove me home, I felt something lift from within me. When my roommate arrived minutes after, he couldn’t tell that around that very hour just a day ago, I contemplated leaving Manila, and he wouldn’t have known that I had left.

February gives way to March, and I am on the rooftop during the transition. The moon is smiling upon me. There are good times ahead, that glow tells me.

I can’t help myself. I smile back.

Feb 28 2010
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Happy Happy Joy Joy, Screens in Silver

Screens in Silver: Love in Five

For the love of a daughter

Although the story felt rushed (and therefore confusing) at the end, the movie was still able to deliver a fantastical and quirky look into the mind of Dr. Parnassus, pulling me in with questions about love and the hard choices it brings.

For the love of a friend

I love a good mystery. I grew up with Agatha Christie books, and I devoured all the Hercule Poirot detective stories. My favorite part (as I guess anyone else’s) is at the end, where everyone’s gathered in a circle and Hercule Poirot explains his thought processes (driven by the little gray cells) and reveals the murderer. I felt the same level of excitement watching Sherlock Holmes, and while there was a disjoint between how I pictured Sherlock and Watson, the movie provided much entertainment in 2 hours.

For the love of God and all things holy

Paano na kaya kung di ko to pinanood? Mas marami kaya akong nagawa sa buhay ko? Malamang na-solve ko na ang problema ng world peace.

For the love of a father

Nicholas Sparks is a one-trick pony. Recipe: add one boy and one girl, add a flimsy love story, add a death or sickness or separation, add an inanimate object and turn it into a romanticized connection (a moon, a coin collection, a telescope, a notebook), and presto! Contrived tears! Forced drama! The only good thing? Nicholas Sparks movies turn out to be much better than the books. Fine, that’s not saying much, and Nicholas Sparks is getting paid more with every movie adaptation, but that alone pushed the C- book into a B- movie.

For the love of love, and love, and love

What if I told you that I watched Valentine’s Day thrice? February 18, February 21, and February 24. That should be enough of a testimonial.

Feb 04 2010
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Happy Happy Joy Joy, Making Ends Meet

Battling Studies

It all began in October 2004, when I decided not to go back home to Davao for the semestral break just so I could spend my days in McDonald’s Katipunan to study for my first actuarial exam. My friends in the dorm had already left for their provinces, and those that remained had a few fun adventures in mind to merit their prolonged stay. I had no such reasons, no such adventures. I didn’t know it back then, but skipping vacation for studying was just the first of many sacrifices that I had to make in pursuit of this actuarial dream.

In this world, the exams are battles, and the dream is the war.

In a nutshell, the dream is this: to become a Fellow of the Actuarial Society of the Philippines. Four exams entitle you to Associateship; four more entitle you to Fellowship. In an ideal world where unicorns exist and pigs fly, these exams will be like puffy cotton candies that I can eat while I dance and sing my way to the Wizard to claim my Fellowship. But this isn’t an ideal world. In this world, the exams are battles, and the dream is the war. And just like any typical foray into the fray, people fail (say, thrice, two of which consecutively), people cry, and people do not make it.

Five years, ten takes, and seven exams later, I am still standing. And I am still battling my studies to win this war. What began in October 2004 as a trade-off between vacation and vocation have transformed into a lifestyle of sacrifice, but it’s OK. I’m fine. With the end in sight and one more test left to hurdle, what’s another few months, right?

If this means victory, then I will charge into the fight head-on.

Jan 24 2010
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Happy Happy Joy Joy

Darkness (II)

I stand in the corner, my back pressed against the wall, my eyes darting left and right. No sign of activity. Only the green strobes of light running across my body and my face, the menacing rays of which I’m trying to avoid. Anonymity is key in the darkness. Unrecognized, I can stealthily move past the searing lights and strike. If I’m lucky, I score. If not, I move to another spot and try again.

Anonymity is key in the darkness.

There are always other people who will love to see me down. Vulnerability is the juice that drives them to pursue me relentlessly, so I avoid appearing weak. Even as I hide among the shadows, I move with agility and with a clear sense of purpose. I must mean business. Hesitations can only lead to my paralysis, and it is never good to be paralyzed in the darkness.

The goal of the pursuit is to score. I must always remember this.

The corner where I am at is no longer friendly territory. Someone familiar is approaching, and he is not an ally; he is an enemy. From the way his feet shuffle against the floor, from the way his hands quiver, and from the way he keeps checking his back, I know that he is unsure about his surroundings. A newbie, in other words. I can overcome him. He is an easy prey.

With just a few steps separating us, I brandish my weapon and strike. His face is in shock as he sees me, but his recognition comes too late. He is down. I finally get the points.

One out, 28 more to go.

In this LazerXtreme Arena, I shall rise above all others. I will be number one.